A Love Affair (from the archives)

allow me to be a little reflective…

Shoes are a big thing for me. There is nothing more feminine than something with heels and lots of straps… completely impractical, uncomfortable, and yet confidant and stylish.

I don’t want to get into the psychology of feminism here and discuss how high heels are ‘the shackles of the female slave’, because this is not a deeply considered psychological piece, it is a purely emotive one.

Seeing a woman walking down the street in strappy wedges, or heeled sandals, or stilettos, would always fill me with pangs of jealousy. They are, to me, such a feminine thing, that to be unable to express myself through the shoes I wore was a source of sadness.

When I finally decided that I needed to stop pretending to be male and let my inner girl take over, there was only one place to start… shoes.

I trawled eBay for a few days, researched sizing guides and took the plunge… the selection in a size 9 is never amazing, but much better than a 10 or over, and so I found a pair of leather studded strappy 6” heels.

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I waited anxiously for a week while they were in the post, and I felt like a child at Christmas when they arrived. I rushed upstairs with the box and as I opened it, my heart swelled in a way usually reserved for loved ones or kittens. I couldn’t get them on fast enough.

So there’s me, the first physical manifestation of the woman who would come to be known as Tamlyn Ailsa MacPherson, strutting up and down in front of my mirror, admiring my legs and feet in these funky and, admittedly, rather painful shoes.

The shoes are not a sexual thing… although, they do make me feel incredibly sexy. They are something I have always perceived as for women only, and now I get to express my femininity in the same way.

I’m sure most trans people have this moment… that first physical connection between their inside self, and their body. For me it was shoes, for some it could be bras, skirts, a men’s suit or boxer shorts. I treasure this first pair of heels, and have bought many more. They are not the favourite pair that I own, nor the sexiest, nor the easiest to walk in, but they are the first, and for this I love them. I love them because they allowed me to catch that first glimpse of who I truly am after a lifetime hiding in my mind’s shadows.

They say ‘Tammy’s here, and she’s not going away’.

Tamz xx

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Filed under gender identity, high heels, Shoes, Trans, trans issues

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