My last few posts have been pretty heavy, so I’m going for something lighter.
Before I started my transition, I gave my biology a bloody good chance to prove itself tolerable. It did not, even though male biology is relatively straightforward. So what chance did I have for the cultural aspect of being male? None whatsoever! Typical societal expectations for masculine behavior have thrown up some strange anomalies that even a lot of men I know don’t get. I’m sure they click with the prototypical male on some level of nature but they are just baffling to me. Even being ‘part of the club’ for those unhappy years, left me none the wiser as to the merits of the following behavioral trends.
1) Trousers: Or more accurately the exclusivity of trousers (my Celtic brethren excluded). With the ill-thought out design of the male equipment, wouldn’t skirts make for a more comfortable option (speaking from my experience, yes it would)? Whilst trousers are practical for manual working or exercise, I didn’t understand the practicalities of having to tuck oneself down one leg or the other. It’s just uncomfortable! Seam on seam is enough to get anyone cranky. Wearing skirts as a fashion option would just be far more chilled out.
2) Machismo: All this puffing up and having to be the alpha male. It’s just exhausting and stressful. I never understood what it achieved. It’s not like it gives feeding priority or first mating choices any more.
3) War fantasies: What’s with all this getting hard over mass death and destruction? Seriously?
4) Standing to pee: If those war fantasies have taught you nothing else, it’s that the further away from the target you are, the less likely you are to hit it. If you’re peeing in the wild, wind allowing, it makes little difference, but when sharing a bathroom why not be considerate and just sit down? You may not think you miss, but seriously, you miss.
“You keep leaving the seat up!”
“I don’t wanna get piss on it!”
“You STILL get piss on it!”
5) Sex: Seeing sex from a typically male perspective to me always felt kind of impersonal, like an itch that needed scratching. Sensitivity and attention to a partner’s needs were always seen as ‘poofy’ in the typical male mindset, yet great umbridge tended to be taken if the direct ‘jackhammer’ approach left their partner disappointed and unsatisfied.
“You must have enjoyed it, you’re walking funny!”
“No, I think you just compacted my spine!”
“You’re just frigid!”
6) Short hair: Personal choice, all well and good, but like trousers it’s the compulsory nature of it. A guy grows his hair long and it stunts his chances at job interviews, and draws the ridicule of fellow male. In a world where a hairy chest is the pinnacle of masculinity, why are guys so obsessed with keeping the hair on their head so short? Oh, and then, they have a breakdown when it starts to fall out. It always baffled me to see guys with half an inch of hair, taking an hour to ‘style’ it with all sorts of gels and creams when the only effect it really has is to make people ask them if it’s still raining outside. I used to wash and condition my waist length blonde hair, brush it and blow dry it in about half that time and them spend the whole evening out having girls coming up and wanting to play with it, all the time getting called a ‘poof’ by the Brylcream brigade.
7) FOOOOOOTBAAAAAALLL!!!!!: Nope, just don’t get it. At all. I understand the game, but the appeal is utterly lost on me. It’s the culture around it, more than the game, that I don’t like. It’s crass, homophobic, misogynistic and corrupt as hell. Like UKIP but a sport.
I know there are women who like football, but there’s not the same expectation to. Too complicated for the tiny female brain to understand you see!
8) Nicknames: You don’t often get people putting their female friends in their phone under names like ‘Bellend Kev’, ‘John Gutrot’ or ‘Herpes Pete’.
“Why’s he called ‘Herpes’ Pete?”
“He had a spot on his lip once!”
“How does he feel about that name?”
“Oh, even his mum calls him it!”
9) Penis power: “BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL… I HAVE THE PENIS!!!!”
It’s ugly, ungainly, gets caught in things and is never where it needs to be, yet it is the key to majority representation in parliament, entitlement to talk over people without one and, according to a lot of guys, the most important part of their body.
“I’d rather die than have MY dick cut off!”
“Well severing the brainstem is usually fatal…”
10) Homophobia: We’re not talking about severe homophobia here (That’s a different, far more serious matter) but casual homophobia (which actually buoys up the more serious incarnation of said attitudes). It’s the casual dismissal of something or someone as ‘poofy’ or ‘gay’ like it’s the worst thing ever. Hello? It’s okay to fantasise about killing people, have disregard for a woman’s sexual gratification and piss on the toilet rim/seat/floor, but a little man-on-man affection is the grossest thing ever?
“Gays disgust me, Gutrot!”
“Yeah, Fuckin’ gays! Disgusting Bellend!”
“…Lesbians are alright thought!”
“Yeah Lesbians are fucking cool. I’d fuck a lesbian!”
I guess I just never really understood why society hung on to these things as ‘masculine’ traits. They’re not inherently male things, they just encourage nice guys to act like dicks. Hats off to all you chaps who haven’t bowed to the modern tragedy of gender norms. I see your numbers are increasing. Good show!