#LGBT – NATIONAL ‘COMING OUT’ DAY, AND WHY IT’S NOT ALL FARTING UNICORNS!!!

Yes, that is right. Yesterday (the 11^th of October) was ‘National Coming Out Day’.

No, I didn’t see the greetings cards on the shelves in Tesco either. Just like ‘Transgender Day of Remembrance’ and ‘Hug a Stranger Day’, it seems to be lower in people’s perception than days celebrating ‘Steak & Blowjobs’ or just talking like a Pirate.

Thing is, I am not entirely sure what the day is meant to be.

“Hey Mum, you… errr… you got any plans for ‘Coming Out Day’?

“No, why?”

“Oh, no reason…”

Was there to be a synchronised ‘I’m…’ around the country? Are we meant to bake cakes? What is the overall theme other than just the vague ‘coming out’ aspect?

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s never an inappropriate time for cake… maybe we could play with stereotypes a bit… make jokes about how much fudge you packed into it, or how you think it’s a Victoria Sponge, but when you cut into it you realise it’s a chocolate gateau.

Also, where is the line on coming out? Gay, obviously. Lesbian, well yeah. Trans… TA DAH!!!!! Bi… well we get everywhere… but then there is this new scale of sexuality that is being pushed as we realise how much more fluid and varied sexuality and gender identity can be. Now, rather than picking one of a few well known labels, we will be listing our sexual preferences as grid references.

“Dad, I’m… E5!”

“erm… YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!!!! HAHAHAH… seriously though, whuh?”

The communication barrier is something that is generational. We hip youngsters (Oi! Don’t you roll your eyes at me) are embracing sexuality’s great fluidity and the diversity of gender identity in our stride, whilst we still have to explain to large chunks of previous generations that there is a world of difference between Transsexuals and Transvestites. Don’t get me wrong, some of the greatest allies and most informed people I have encountered are older, but they tend to be in a minority. And ignorance, as loathsome as it is, and as great an obstacle as it presents, is down to being raised in a society where general consensus was that it was something abnormal. When something gets put out there and becomes received ‘wisdom’, people as a whole don’t even really think about it until directly confronted with it. I have often been in situations where people have used highly offensive terms around me without realising that there is anything wrong with them. That then creates an awkward situation where you start to wonder how many times you can correct someone before they start to feel insulted or frustrated at being constantly corrected. How self-righteous is TOO self-righteous? Is it worth holding your tongue for the time being in order to not alienate an ally?

But the real point of this blog was not to criticise the idea of dedicating a day to ‘coming out’. It is, I suppose, a nice idea to celebrate those who have come out in the preceding year, and it provides a focal point for those who wish to ‘come out’ themselves.

But I have a problem with the expression ‘coming out’. There is this permeating idea that it is a single moment of (sadly sometimes literally) death or glory; that our great announcement will blow a hole in the continuum through which fly glitter, sparkles and fireworks as we ride across the sky on a unicorn with rainbows flying out of its arse and all will see, and know what it means.

“Did you see Pete go past on a rainbow-farting unicorn?”

“Yeah… not really a surprise. He’s been telling us to keep October 11^th free for weeks now.”

No, coming out is not like that. The default expectation in society is that we are all strictly binary, cisgender, heterosexual and monogamous. I mean, who on Earth can possibly fit into all of those categories AND still be fun at parties?

But because that is the default expectation and anything different presents a metaphorical minefield of misconceptions, toxic propaganda and absurd stereotypes, it becomes a much bigger thing than it should be… and it goes on forever!

I think the first time I ever ‘came out’ to anyone was in 1998, when I finally felt able to tell some very close friends that I was Bisexual and Transgender. However, that support group fell apart and I was left with very few people that I could be open with. This was also a time when I had no knowledge of where to even look for help or support as it was deliberately kept underground and away from anyone under the age of 18, whilst mainstream society was still wary, if not openly hostile in the wake of the HIV/AIDS outbreak of the 1980s that the Conservative government milked to great effect in pushing a septic, homophobic agenda. But I have covered that in numerous other articles.

My point is that ‘coming out’ isn’t one step; it is a marathon… in all weather… with oncoming traffic.

I have been telling people since 1998. I did not tell my immediate family until I had been in transition for nearly two years and already had my referrals to the GIC sent off and an appointment given to me by that point. Since then, I have ‘come out’ dozens more times to old friends, other relatives, colleagues and acquaintances, each time feeling like a big deal. Half of my extended family still do not know about me because it is feared it might cause upset if they were told, which annoys the living shit out of me because, once again, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Each time feels like a time warp. For me personally, it is a new person tripping over names and pronouns, knocking my confidence right back, as if my transition was only just starting again. For others too it is knowing that there’s the gossiping as your ‘old news’ becomes their ‘breaking news’, and people trying to talk you round to being ‘normal’ by trying to reassure you that you are ‘just confused’.

Perhaps this is my issues with a ‘Coming out’ day… I have been coming out for seventeen years without an end in sight. When we make ‘coming out’ into such a momentous event in our minds, the reality makes it very hard to get on with your life… that constant nudging to explain yourself for the umpteenth time when all you want to do is go for a coffee or get the shopping in.

To make a REAL difference, we need to tackle society’s presumptions and encourage a less artificially narrow view of what, or who is, or isn’t normal.

#LGBT – #UKIP pride ban: Ban the organisation, but let their people march.

I remember my first pride event – it was 1998 in London and we all gathered at Speakers’ Corner, Hyde Park. I was fifteen and bouncing around in black leggings and hi-tops, rocking a pink hoodie and matching lipstick with a little too much schnapps in my system than was advisable, and we marched together, proud of who we were, facing down anyone from the sidelines who would turn their noses up at us.

This was a different Britain. We had just come out of eighteen years of Tory rule – of government led fearmongering over HIV/AIDS and section 28. The media were still utterly hostile towards anything LGBT and the main issues of the day were an end to Section 28 and equalising the age of consent. As it stood, it was 18 for gay men, 16 for heterosexual couples and  for lesbians… well, the law didn’t even recognise that they were capable of even having sex, let alone forming a legitimate relationship.

It is hard to admit to myself how long ago this was; over half a lifetime for me now, and yet each new challenge to the regressive status-quo that is victorious gives way to another challenge… another equality we must fight and campaign for, be it Civil Partnerships, Adoption rights, Same-Sex Marriage, Pressuring foreign countries to end their persecution of LGBT people… Pride Marches say ‘Look how far we have come, but look how far we have to go’.

The LGBT wing of UKIP wish to participate in London Pride this year. They want to join the parade, waving their great big UKIP banner and stand beside us as we march to remember those who fought for our rights, and those who continue to do so, and I would welcome them as individuals to stand against discrimination and second-class citizenship for LGBT people in this country and around the world.

But there is a problem, and the problem is UKIP.

This is a party that published more than one manifesto at the last general election, and that says something about the party as a whole; that it will commit to any course of action that would engender it to a specific group. In this case, it released its ‘Christian Manifesto’ which it was freely distributing at the UKIP Party conference this year. This manifesto described LGBT people and the LGBT rights movement as a danger to children… that LGBT rights was a way of pushing an agenda into schools that would see us grooming and recruiting children.

I am old enough to remember the days when being gay and being a sex offender were regarded, in public consciousness, as one and the same. When I got back to school the Monday after my Pride March, that attitude was behind every kicking I got for being ‘so digusting’ just because of my attendance at the event… I don’t know to this day who told them about it.

UKIP have also stated that they wish to introduce a conscience clause into the equality act which would allow people with certain religious beliefs to refuse goods or services to members of the public based upon their sexuality… An action that would ultimately make the equality act a joke, as it would enshrine inequality into British law.

We are living in a time where, although there are still legal battles for the LGBT community to fight in Britain, it is now more based on changing social attitudes. UKIP’s policies actively seek to curtail and even reverse this. Even ignoring the daft homophobic things their candidates say or do on a seemingly daily basis, these actions, in black and white and from the mouths of their policy makers ensure that UKIP is absolutely NOT a party that believes in LGBT equality.

Now, UKIP, for some reason I find hard to fathom given the party’s record, has a small but loyal LGBT contingent, who wish to be part of London Pride. I would not condone any action that leads to any LGBT person or ally being banned from the event, but the UKIP banner is just not welcome.

To all LGBT UKIPPERS… petition your party leadership. Make sure they commit to supporting LGBT rights and full equality for LGBT people in the law. Push them to recognise LGBT people as worthy of the same dignity and respect from everyone as any non-LGBT member of the public, and when you have done that… when you have a party that will renounce its policies to enshrine the religious choices of some over the fair and equal treatment of the LGBT community… when you have a party that sheds its utterly disgusting rhetoric about LGBT people trying to recruit school children in to what I can only imagine they believe to be some kind of pit of perpetual abuse and sexual degradation, then… THEN you will have a party whose banner has a place in the parade.

The organisations who march do so because they stand for equality. UKIP, as it stands right now, does not.

March with us, but march in the name of equality, not in the name of UKIP.

How do I love thee? Let me count the gays…

Oh yes, inserting ‘Gay’ into a Shakespeare quote. Get me!

But seriously, how do we count ourselves?

Leave it to us surely, and we’ll say that everyone is a little bit ‘Stoke on Trent’, but leave it to religious conservatives and they’ll claim we (non-heterosexuals) are less than one percent.

Okay, that wasn’t meant to rhyme.

It is a serious point though. You see, census information is one of the primary ways of the government monitoring the makeup of society, and by extension, where to divert resources and determine the scale of influence any group should have.

Received wisdom among the LGBT community has largely been that one in ten people identify as not having a hetero-normative sexuality. That would mean around six times the population of Birmingham in the UK was on the LGBT spectrum. Of course, ‘T’ doesn’t really count in this as it is related to identity and not sexual orientation.

From personal experience, a sizable (although certainly not a majority) of people I know are either absolutely L and G, or at least varying degrees of B. This is also largely limited to people of my generation… that 18 – 35 demographic who have mostly grown up in a world where social attitudes towards same sex attraction have greatly softened. However, a fair chunk of these people are not ‘out’ to family and/or friends, and would certainly be reticent to fill in their details on a census form that can be read by any other member of their family.

I’ll Just point out that this is not a bid for political power, but more for the government to know how much funding it needs to put into LGBT support programs, or education systems where people struggling with their sexuality can receive counselling and support.

What of the generations who were sexually mature at the time that it was still a crime, or during the Thatcher Government’s campaign of misinformation and no information about homosexuality from the 1980s up until the turn of the millennium? What about men or women who felt ashamed, or unable to follow their feelings for fear of being rejected by their families?

I have experience of being signed up to chat sites where a lot of the gay or bisexual men who have hit on me, have admitted to being married, many even having children, and yet sneaking around behind their partners’ backs to get a bit of same sex action.

Or there are the guys who hound unfortunate transsexuals or other non-gender conformist types, because dick isn’t gay if it belongs to someone in a frock… right? (Sorry, it’s one thing to be attracted to transwomen who happen to have male equipment, it’s totally another to use us to satisfy your base urges without questioning your true desires).

I know many bisexual people who see the fact that they are attracted to the opposite sex as a good enough reason to pretend to family that they are ‘straight’, and so will not publicly state their sexuality as anything contrary to avoid unnecessary disgrace and ostracizing (I ashamedly admit that I was guilty of this one for some time).

When the results of the last census came out and the numbers of people declaring themselves to be non-hetero were down on the often bandied ‘six Birminghams’, the right-wing press and conservative groups leapt onto it like a hyperactive Kitty.

Here was irrefutable evidence that we were liars, distorting facts to make us seem more significant than we were. The real tragedy of course is that the majority of people who did not express their true sexuality did so as a result of the campaigns of misinformation and character assassination that these groups themselves are responsible for. Keeping a level of toxicity and distrust towards the LGBT community ensures that many of our number hide away, growing more and more ashamed of their true nature.

All it takes is ten minutes trawling profiles on Gaydarguys or TVChix, or even on a regular dating site that lets gay people look for love too, to see how many guys are keen to nosh on some man-meat while the missus is away (My ‘trawling ‘is largely for personal curiosity and research, I’d like to add).

Conversely of course, the Census is very good for the Church of England. I remember my mother putting me down as CofE on the 2001 census despite my protestations because that was just traditional. Apparently not believing in God and openly decrying all organised religion as corrupt and detrimental to society is not enough to disqualify one from classification as a Christian. The mindset was that if you didn’t know what you were, you were CofE. It’s like that was the old classification for ‘Agnostic’.

So the church gets to count lapsed believers or traditionalist box-tickers amongst it’s congregation to show that it is still a relevant institution, whereas we LGBTers lose vast swathes of credibility and influence to the closet.

So how do we accurately count our number in a society where many will not usually ‘admit’ to being one of us unless they have no other choice?

Seriously, how? I haven’t an effin’ clue.